WHO IS THIS PERSON STARING BACK AT ME
One day I found myself extremely obese staring at a
stranger in the mirror, feeling helpless and too far past the point of return,
in denial, always crying about not having something big enough to hide behind.
That is not the person I use to be! No I was outgoing, always smiling always
looking for somewhere to go and making friends with anyone who I crossed paths
with. Now I am a recluse who lounges as often as possible
wanting to hide from the world consoling myself with more food… it was this
vicious cycle…. Until the day I stopped making the excuses about time, and
money and convincing myself that weight loss was not something my body could
respond to.
THE TURNING POINT
I attended several wedding events as a maid of honor to my
best childhood friend. I was forced into situations I wasn’t comfortable with. Like being in pajamas in front of a room full of size 4-6 girls. Wearing a
dress that looked like all 7 of the rest of them could fit into at one time. The worst part? It was all dreadfully documented by hundreds of photographs. I was forced to see myself plastered on social media for the world to see! All
during a time when I would run away as
fast as I could from cameras so that I could remain in denial! But there it was concrete evidence that my life
was spiraling out of control, a wake up call and realization that the reason I could
barely breath or move without feeling completely exhausted was because I was drowning
in my own body. I decided then that I would step on a scale for the first time
in over 5 years and I looked down to see what was for me the final straw. 275
PDS! That was it, I was done being this person it was time for action! The very
next day I researched many area fitness facilities, walked into crossfit South
Bank and the rest was history…. Right…..
FAT LOSS SCHMAT LOSS
I lost about 10 pds before I actually started working out so
my starting point was about 265 pounds. With determination and pure drive to turn
things around, goal by goal, inch by inch and pound by pound the weight disappeared. Until 100 pounds and 1 year later I reached my original long
term goal and decided to keep going ultimately shredding another 37 pounds. Don’t get me wrong I felt amazing, it’s what
I wanted! I started rejoining society, making new friends, smiling all the time
buying clothes that I actually love because I can now fit in everything! But what
are these other feelings I’m experiencing…
DOUBLE VISION
I think at this point in my life even after three years of
keeping the weight off I live in constant fear, I long for approval of those
around me, I am constantly staring at myself in the mirror never satisfied with
what I see, I find myself still walking to the larger clothes racks not even
realizing it or maybe scared that I might not fit into the small, and that means
that I’m a failure. I feel more insecure and self-aware than I ever did before.
I used to hide behind humor, so now I find myself publicly making fat jokes
about myself if I have a larger portion or eat something deemed not healthy not
even taking into consideration that I’m not fat anymore and what I’m saying is offensive and insulting to ½ of the room. It’s like a constant re-evaluation of my
reality. I know I am not fat but I feel like I still am like I just can’t get
rid of that part of me.
SO WHAT NOW
No one ever told me there was a dark side to my happy place…
So what now?? Well do I want to go back, no absolutely not! I’m happy, I wouldn’t
change a thing! This has been quite the adventure for me. I look good, feel
great, I have a new willingness and appreciation for life. I can’t even explain
the indescribable joy that I feel knowing I am able to give my family more
years to spend with me, or every time someone noticed my effort, or when I hit
even the tiniest of goals! This is not to discourage you that is the last thing
I would want to do. For this one small bump
there are millions moments of happiness and self confidence that far outweigh
the altered reality. My method of coping is ongoing and I have to add to it
constantly but first I had accept it. I try to find at least one thing positive
about my body every day. I try to not get on the scale obsessively 2 times a
day because I realize it only contributes to my insecurities. I like to give
myself positive self-talks. But, most importantly getting to know my body by
trying new things is, for me the most crucial. This helps me focus on what my
body can do rather than what it looks like. So this is for those who have been
through the same journey who feel alone or crazy for having some of the same
feelings of constant confusion and I hope I made you feel more understood so
you can accept it and find an effective coping method and enjoy it.
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